The revamp progress is one that I thought would be a difficult challenge. More than that, it is an uphill battle every day. AJ and I are at breaking point and I don’t know what to do. It seems that everything I touch turns to shit. Everything I try and do somehow turns to shit – even with the best intentions.
Where am I now?
I have, over recent weeks told you of the variety of changes I want to make in my life, to become the person I think I should be. This process has not been easy and it is not without flaws – me being the main one. I don’t want to dwell too much on this aspect as it is a current cloud that shrouds both AJ and me, and we are working on it.
Habits – I have recently started to create the habits I need to be able to have the routine back in my life. I feel that with all the upheaval with life, it has long been forgotten that I need this to encourage me to organise myself. The more habits that are brought in and maintained, the easier that life will become. Not just because there is routine, but more there is a purpose. This being that I really do not want to be the person who feels abjectly sorry for themselves, but a person who rises from the flame and shows the world who he can be.
Diet – Yes, this old chestnut! It is a problem the world over but to be honest, I am thinking that my diet should be better than the chicken-fried rice or burgers that have made more than several appearances on the dinner table. There are numerous options available and when I say numerous, I mean absolutely loads!
If you type in ‘diet’ on Google, you would probably be met with page upon page of fads that are there purely to take your money. Protein this and carb that, and a nice selection of Omega 3 too, please! I get it. To understand all of this, I have stripped myself back down to basics and will look at eating similar to what our ancestors did – meat, vegetables, and water. It sounds boring, I know, but there must be a truth to it somewhere – Paleo, I think it’s called! But, I am sure that somewhere along the line we will be told it is bad for us!
Currently ingesting fluoxetine and injected with Nebido, I feel pretty useless. I would like to withdraw from this medication as I do not think it is doing me any favours both in mood, and in my relationship with AJ – we are strained so much that she is worn out. It’s my fault. I am not happy that this once happy inside and out, beautiful woman, is now half the person she was – I literally hate myself for this.
I have a trip to the endocrinologist at the end of this month and I want an explanation as to why my testosterone is at the level it is, and why my libido is so far removed from me, that I have forgotten what it feels like to want sex. God only knows how AJ feels. I feel a weight of responsibility for all of the bad decisions I have taken, the shouting, the anger, the moods, the lack of interest in virtually anything and I put the majority of this down to medication.
So, for the near future, I am going to weigh up my options and try to remove the medication for good, for both our sakes.
Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
The state or quality of being worthy of honour or respect
Calmness and composure, especially in a difficult situation.
The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven
The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
The quality of having a modest or low view of one’s importance.
The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.
Just behaviour or treatment.
The quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate
An intense feeling of deep affection.
Looking at the above it would seem that these values could be implemented as a matter of urgency. For all of us. So why not give it a go?
Reading a book the other day and it stated that jogging for people of a certain age, is not particularly beneficial. The reason for this is that the ‘body responds to too much running by releasing cortisol (stress hormone). This can then cause gluconeogenesis, where your muscles break down into glucose’ (Eat Bacon Don’t Jog – Grant Peterson). So, going forward, it will be a case of introducing a high-intensity workout and keep on doing the walking and spending time outdoors. This is the plan but as with everything else, this is subject to change!!
There are a lot of changes that I have thought about and include yoga, meditation, reading and understanding Buddhism (an interest not to study). Also, mindfulness is something that I want to do with transcendental meditation playing its part.
My lust for learning is still with me and as part of this, it is going to include training to become a counsellor. A three-year course but based on personal experiences, it is something I feel as though would benefit both me and others in the future. This, coupled with learning from my psychotherapist, it could be an exciting future if I play it right.
Before all this comes to fruition, I have to plan to incorporate all this to ensure the change in my life happens. To see this, I will put together a personal plan and base it over the twelve months from July 27th 2019 – July 26th 2020 – a sort of before and after with a full report. However, in the meantime, I have until next month to finalise the plan.
You should try this too!
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