It has taken so long for me to post about the journey so far, and I want to apologise. The lack of content production has been awful but here is the thing, I didn’t want to write shite when not in the best place to express myself. I hope you can understand this. One word…Anhedonia.
What is the problem?
You know when you have one of those times where you try to punch fog, argue with anyone who tries to be nice to you, you can have an idea of where I have been. But what has started all of this?
Looking back over the last few weeks, I have visited the doctor on several occasions for my low moods, and a general disinterest in life as a whole. I do not know where this stems from but I know I have had the feeling for such a long time now, I don’t recognise the last time when I was truly happy with myself.
The technical term for this is called Anhedonia. You would think that as a Liverpool fan, the conclusion to a brilliant football season with us just losing out to an impeccable Manchester City side, I would be happy. In fairness, I was more than happy but I couldn’t feel it. The love of going to the football matches had all but deserted me. To help with this, AJ ‘sanctioned’ a trip for me to go to Madrid to watch the Champions League Final against Spurs, but this was overturned by my dramatic dip in moods to the point where I had no love or enjoyment from the secured victory – nothing was pleasing to me.
Anhedonia is such a dangerous feeling to have in my opinion. The lack of enjoyment can have a disastrous effect on your wellbeing and trust me, I know from this experience. The fact that being sullen and subdued and not being able to explain why, is damaging to an already fragile relationship.
AJ can feel as though I don’t care when I do. But, it’s hard when you’re feeling this way, and have been for literally weeks. You withdraw from your friends to the point where they think you couldn’t give a shit about them and your family too – what a way to live!
Fluoxetine and Nebido
These are the current medication I am taking and to be honest with you, I and medication have never really had a relationship. I don’t like them and actually, loathe them but I think they can help a little. Having really low testosterone and then having the Prozac (fluoxetine) on top all but sure up your sex drive. What a bastard! Honestly, it had drastically reduced due to everything else but to have it removed with the help of medication feels as though I have been chemically castrated!
The Way Forward
A plan perhaps?
To offset this, I spoke to my doctor about it and the way forward was to have regular Nebido injections to boost my testosterone levels. All well and good until you bring in the side effects of this which all but increases the Anhedonia. Let me explain…after receiving the injection I was feeling normal but a few days into it, I plummeted.
A feeling of desperation and low self-esteem led me to do something that I have never thought I would do – self-harm. I don’t know why but I needed some release from the anguish I was feeling and slicing at my wrists with scissors, was not the best idea I have ever had. Having to tell AJ what I had done was heartbreaking for her. She is in an already worrying state and at the brink of meltdown, so the last thing she needed was to have her partner do this to her.
On contacting the doctor’s, AJ asked me to go to the crisis centre where I have been before – and it never served any purpose for me, so I declined.
A man named Walter
The low feelings have continued since then, but I have met a man named Walter. A Psychotherapist. He is going to take me under his wing as he has experienced much trauma during his life. He is well positioned to guide me through the turmoil within myself.
Walter is a very unassuming man, calm and collected. He is a person who wants to help others. And in the two hours, I sat with him, the more I wanted to know. He towered over me and must be 6’3″ easy! – but very gentle. Removed from his home during the troubles in Zimbabwe, and having to flee to the UK must have been frightening. But after all during his lifetime, he wants to help others. I am in awe of him. Seeing something in him that I would love to acquire and the truth is, I can achieve it.
The whole psychotherapy and counselling thing fits well together. Enrolling on a counselling course is a journey I am looking forward to exploring for the rest of my life. In a way, I’m excited, but still down. How’s that possible?!!
The conversation with Walter led onto exploring in the future. The techniques to empower others – I would love this…to help others would be a dream job!
In preparation for this, however, I have started an online course in counselling which I am enjoying, and it is part of my life revamp – a journey of discovery to change not just my life, but others too. This something which AJ and I have been thinking about recently but with ideas, come obstacles. Over time, I am sure this will all work out whichever way it is supposed to. But I am working towards this.
The first thing I need to overcome though is Anhedonia. Any suggestions?
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