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29th April – 5th May 2019

29th April – 5th May 2019

Monday

Well, it was a good start to the week as I managed to be up at 6.30am, completed the Wim Hof Method (WHM) and Transcendental Meditation (TM). Although not a major thing currently, my weight seems to have gotten heavier as I have been going along. However, as part of the transition, it is something I will be keeping control of!

During the day, I was being a Support Worker and we attended the bingo and on looking around, the people in the arena looked like a lost tribe searching for purpose. What I mean by this is while enjoyable, some people looked as though they were searching desperately for that big win that would change their lives. I guess we all have this element inside of us.

Towards the end of the day, my emotions were all over the place. Even though the day was filled with sunshine, my mood stated the opposite. My loss of libido is killing me and hurting AJ too. It is a much bigger problem than what I gave it credit for. I feel quite shitty now.

 

Tuesday

Couldn’t sleep last night but awoke about 4 am to the sound of birdsong. Although this was brilliant, I feel fed up and tired – what seems a backward step. Never completed the morning routine I wanted to and it seems so easy to let it go and just relapse back into the mundane morning routine.

I need to change my focus but it is difficult to do.

I attended my support group at Hope Street and enjoyed the session and afterward, I came away feeling I want more from my life.

Wednesday

Positivity is important but sometimes it is impossible to feel it. Money – the root of all evil but you cannot do without it. I have worked many hours over the last month and I thought that I could get straight and have money to spare but sometimes, it just cannot be this way.

Not seen any positive numbers for a while though but I did receive a brilliant message from a friend who encouraged me in what I am doing.

Thursday

Even thought I had the positive comments from yesterday ringing in my head, I still have an overwhelming fed up feeling. I am not sure whether it is due to the money situation or part of the process of recovery. Not a lot seems to be able to shift this mood swing – I didn’t go to the support group due to work committments and the worry over money and my relationship. Sometimes, I wish depression and anxiety would piss right off!

I know I have said it before but my routine is all over the place and it needs structure to enable me to progress. Although I have given myself just over a year to change how I am, it feels as though it is a burden, and I want to give up. It’s been a few days ffs!

Dear Diary…..feeling like shit! However, I saw 15:15 and 11:11 today.

Friday

In work again and I feel as though I am never out of the place. To the point where I feel it is taking over my life, or more apt, existence! But, you have to be a slave to the rhythm to make ends meet at times and knowing there are others like me, helps. But no matter how many hours I work, I never have any money which doesn’t make sense to me.

Worrying irrationally about SJ today and how much of an absent father I am. AJ grounds me with the response that I never moved away from him but I still can’t shake the feeling. I put it down to me thinking I have an unstable mind at present and I must be hell to live with.

Saturday

Woke up in work and started to read the book Primal Care – I am determined to use this book in my quest for health and happiness from the inside out. I do believe that the food that we consume plays a big part in how we act and feel in everyday life. Helping me to become and remain more positive throughout my life.

Spent a lovely afternoon with AJ as we went out for something to eat and a drive up to Parbold Hill and watched nature. It sounds crazy but we really enjoyed it and it was great to spend time looking at how nature spends its Saturday evening. The rabbits, Chaffinches, crows, rainclouds, sun, and wind all played their part in what seemed an endless conveyor belt of motion and action.

Sunday

Today was a really lazy day. Nothing of any note has happened apart from going round to my sister’s house, and wishing the brother-in-law a happy birthday!

Although I have just written the above, I forgot to mention that I have started a book! Yep, my own little piece of nothingness which I hope could engage all that read it. This is a project that I would like to continue for the next few months, to release at the end of the summer. I have the idea, I just need to write something of note now! Wish me luck!

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