I was feeling suicidal the other day. I mean, literally suicidal as I was planning how and where I was going to go through with the act. Medication, driving out into the wilderness to leave myself to fate was the preferred method.
I was referred to the mental health team as they deemed me a ‘category red’ or high risk of ending my life. What was the trigger that set this off? How do you know and why do you think that ending your life is the only way? I sat in front of Alison and the therapist and explained how I was feeling over the last few weeks. The low moods, the feelings of despair, the hatred of myself and the feeling that it wouldn’t matter if I were here or not. A dreadful moment for your nearest and dearest to listen to your cries for help.
The outcome of the meeting was that I was in definite need of counselling both for trauma and also dealing with my own feelings but what struck me was the focus away from the problems I went in about. This took me by surprise. I came out of the meeting a little angry after feeling ambushed by the counsellor. My feelings were that although I have suffered for over thirty years from suppressed trauma, and beating myself up over the way I have become as a person which has impacted on everyone around me, I never thought that I would be castigated over something else!
With this said, my feelings of despair remain. I feel that sometimes, professionals feel as though I am lying over the feelings that I have about myself, including suicidal thoughts. Having the world, or so it seems, against how you are feeling can maybe go some way to make you feel worse. I can empathise with you on this. People who cannot hear your thoughts and base their assumption on your words that explode from your mouth, seem to be able to make you feel as though you’re lying, even if you are not.
All of this means that I am no further on as of yet. However, I do understand that there are a lot of people who are in a far worse position than I am and have been. There are loads of books and information available to help you through whatever ails you. So many that they cannot be mentioned here but I think that they’re all valuable to whoever reads them. But having said this, a lot of how we feel is up to us. It comes from within. The problem lies in how we can reach inside ourselves, and pull through the person that resides in there.
But how can this be achieved? Yes, we hear the voices that meditation and yoga is the way forward and I do want this to be a part of my life in time. The saying goes that we ‘become our thoughts’ and I think this is true.
But if we become our thoughts, where does it say that we are able to overcome them? Our mind is so powerful that we probably do not understand the enormity of what it can help us achieve. Having said this, we think terrible things at times about ourselves, so the opposite would be a possibility? So, what is stopping you being happy or having happy thoughts?
When I was asked the question ‘what stopped you from killing yourself?’ I hesitated so there must be something there that I had to think about. But what was it? If you can break things down into small chunks, it may help you decipher what is important to you, which in turn can help you focus on what you need to, it may help. If you’re like me, you will have a variety of thoughts that enter your mind at an alarming rate that you cannot control them. And as I cannot control them, I tend to cling onto the ones which mean something. This doesn’t work for me. Just the same as there is ‘no time’ for me to do the things I want or need to do, so how do I do it?
Being kind to yourself
You may be broken but you can be fixed. We all can. But to do this I think we have to take action ourselves, to help us and remove us from the clutches of society that hold us back. This may mean being brave enough to work on yourself bit-by-bit and day-by-day. This is up to you. Anything that gives you some sort of solace is good. Going for a walk, watching a funny film, reading a book…..the list is endless and doesn’t have to be costly.
For me, I am writing. I have a couple of ideas for books but have no clue on how to write them. I want to experience Kriya Yoga and meditation to the point where I can manage the thoughts I have. These thoughts I have will probably never go away, but maybe they can be managed a lot better in time.
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