4th February 2019

4th February 2019

I feel as if today is one of those days that would just disappear. Although I had a good weekend where I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular. Bring on today, and the feelings of low self-esteem, worry, sadness are just a few of the ‘thoughts’ I am having.

Alison is asking why am I feeling this way and the truth is, I don’t know. Part of me is thinking just get on with it as most men do, and the other is the barrier which is invisible – stopping all positivity in its tracks. Maybe if we knew the cause of depression and why it can impede us the way it does, we could try and read the signs better.

Today, this just hit like a bolt from the blue! No warnings, or triggers, just a slap in the face letting me know that it was here. ‘The Mopes‘ is a term used to describe it and I find it comforting to know that there are many words that can be used to describe depression. Many of them would be deemed inappropriate when under the smothering of the mopes blanket. But what do you do? My take is that I need to accept that many people do not understand when you’re in this ‘place’. I wish I could be normal….whatever normal is!

Going back to work on Thursday is something I am looking forward to, a sort of normality. This is positive for sure. But, I wish I could scream ‘Fuck Off!’ to the whole lot of it, a release of some sort would be good. It seems as though the only thing that I want at this moment is for the mope to be ripped away from me to reveal the person that hides underneath of this suppressed body. The good person. The nice one.

Jackell and Hyde’s personalities is a concept that I have never thought of me having. Having said that, it is here and it needs to be dealt with.


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