On regressing my childhood, I began to understand how much damage that may have been done at the time. No blame being apportioned to my Mum and Dad but more of an observation.
Was my dad right in spending hours in the pub when he had a family back at his home that he had made with his wife? My answer to this is no. Just the same answer as should mum have dealt with him any differently? Perhaps. Maybe the opportunity in the days long gone wasn’t a viable option. Funny, there was too much stigma attached, I suppose.
But how much did some of these events actually have on us? I found the video below via Linkedin and thought it pertinent to share. I will assume that many of you have had some sort of negative experience you can draw upon (unfortunately). The interesting feel to the video was that I can relate to every single aspect of it.
I have suffered from anxiety for many years and it comes in many forms. Heart racing at the till, waiting to board a train, waiting to see my boss in work, dealing with my son’s mum. All add up to make me feel really uncomfortable during certain situations.
Understandably, it doesn’t happen all of the time but the worst episode was when I was visiting Australia. Out of nowhere, it leaped upon me like an electric shock. I was going into a bank to exchange my travellers checks and I could feel the sweat dripping from me, my heart pounding like a drum and my mouth as dry as the beautiful Australian weather (at the time). I couldn’t move, frozen in a panic where I turned to my friend and stated ‘I can’t do this’.
He was puzzled. Why wouldn’t he be? But so was I. A fear so strong that it has lived with me for nearly twenty years. But how do you cope? What do we need to do to help ease our worried minds?
Staying away from hurt has always been a problem and I think I know where it stems from. This platform is not to share here but it only recently dawned on me the magnitude of what happened. I now feel that any event while growing up whether it be getting up to dance or waiting my turn to speak in a group has always been more difficult. Shying away from anything remotely public has been the norm but interestingly, when at university the thought of standing up in front of others to deliver a speech was relatively ok, so I don’t fully understand. The guess is that I don’t feel comfortable when putting myself at ‘risk’ for any given task.
The confrontation has never been a friend of mine. A fear, yes. Not to the point where I cannot argue but if I feel something is going to impede me in any way, I tend to shy away from it. Opposed to confronting the problem, I am not sure why it manifests the way it does but it can be deflating to the self-esteem. At times I have been told it is confidence but I am not so sure. I guess all that we have been through gives you a fight or flight mode, perhaps?
Becoming a Recluse
I agree totally with this. I find myself at times not having the fun element in what I would normally and would happily sit out any occasion that presented itself.
The feeling that not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings are always with me. To the point where I cannot be as direct as I would like to be. Instead of saying what I need to, what I shouldn’t is more appropriate. The feeling of ‘getting the better’ of the argument or taking the moral high ground is quite alarming as it always ends unfavourably. Upsetting to all involved it is a cowardly way to act at times although I do not realise I do it most of the time. Or is the fact that me winning a fruitless point is worth all the pain?
A State of Constant Tension
Fight or flight…..what does it mean? If something isn’t going your way you move onto the next thing? Whether this is friendship, relationship, job etc, we all have the choice to stay or go. But how much running can we actually do until we finally find what we need? I guess that being continually torn between fight and flight that it impedes the daily routine.
Because of the constant battle trying to overcome the trauma, you are associated with being the victim. In my experience this rings true as reading about the experiences suffered at Hillsborough, 1989, the evidence was clear that we were the victims of a tragedy. For me, the victims are the fallen souls and we are survivors of that terrible day.
We will overcome the fears that have haunted us. Join me at the Silent Network…
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