I Hate Myself….

I Hate Myself….

The two things that are certain in life, are death and taxes. A saying I am sure you have heard of. Other things that are prominent are items such as disappointment, selfishness, and self-absorption. What have I become to say these words that I hate myself, and mean it?



Mental health variety…


Depression, anxiety, mood-swings are all playing their part. The hazards of suffering from mental health problems. A widespread curse of many and understood by few is possibly a rash statement to make but how does it affect you? Do men really talk about their issues properly?


Is your judgement clouded, and the decisions made annoying to others? This is what is happening to me on a daily basis. The thoughts that are appearing thick and fast are not as rational as they should be. Is it the fact that I am shying away from conflict or just wanting an easy life that is making me choose? 





The above image is from the Headspace app which I use. Having said this, I haven’t used it for about two weeks and it shows. I was encouraging others to ensure they create a habit to overcome problems with achievement, whatever it may be. In this case, I have just given an example of how I have failed.


Before this, I had been to see my doctor and I explained to her the feelings of exhaustion and not being able to meet the demands that I had set myself. She told me that the serotonin that had been missing from my brain has completely wiped me out.



Let your body decide


I received advice which was that my body has to recover before I can keep up with the programme that has been set for myself. This is devastating to me as I wanted to be in good shape before going back to work. The yoga, running, eating well, meditation are all culpable at this stage but I will get it right. The struggles of my life are not tied just to me.


They are there for everyone and this is what the battle is in my eyes. The problems that are faced by people struggling with their own demons, and trying to do something about it. They can’t. But this doesn’t mean they don’t want to, but they are compromised at every turn. Namely, their own body.


It seems that no matter what stage of mental health whether depression, bi-polar, anxiety et.al people are at, there is always compromise. Your body is the master. And yet we try and oversee its functioning, thinking we know best. And, to rub it in, start upsetting ourselves because we can’t! A catch-22 position.


So what now?


It comes back to what you can actually do before you think it’s too much. This could mean that you have to listen to your body. For me, being the middle-aged man that I am, means that I cannot do the things a younger body could do in a short space of time. Although no comfort to you, it is a process that I am afraid my friend, is all too real.


While I complain about what my body won’t do, the focus should be what it can. Meditation is a part of my life that I want to concentrate on. The rest should follow. My thinking is that if I am working well from the inside outwards, it should be portrayed on the outside too. As part of this process, I have to also understand what I have achieved so far. Giving up alcohol. This is a massive achievement for anyone who has gone through it, and it shouldn’t be underestimated.


Physically, I am looking better but emotionally, still a wreck. So, work still needs to be completed beforehand so one thing is for sure…


…the habit checker will need a re-think before I can pass on any words of further advice…apart from, take it easy, brother!


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