Intimacy – a man’s issue?

Intimacy – a man’s issue?

In today’s frantic society we are bombarded with social media. Facebook and Instagram, combined with weird TV programmes we can be subjected to a range of beautiful people of all ages, of both sexes.  These images can turn everybody’s head no matter how cemented a couple is together.


Even without the distractions of today’s era, there would be some sort of attraction to other people by default, as this is how we met our partner in the first place. The problems possibly faced by us all is that we try and emulate what we see on the screen whether it be clothes, make-up, physique or persona. My experience tells me there is a danger that we can drift away from who we really are. In some way,  to who we are not meant to be. While this may be attractive to others, you will undoubtedly return back to your normal self over time.



What makes a relationship?


This question can only be answered by the people in the relationship as I wouldn’t know your reality.  However, I would imagine that when you first met in the bar (possibly), there were all sorts of similarities between you both. Under the influence of alcohol, you jostle for position to show the other how you are so connected.


Is it the love of how the other looks physically? or is it just that you make each other laugh so much that you need the person right now!? Or more realistically, is it because you both needed some sort of physical intimacy and you had found someone who felt the same? However you met is not the point, but what happened after is. How do you define a relationship? My understanding is that we as a couple can have many interests that we can share but we also have to have time apart or is this not how it works?


The beginning


Initially, everybody has the ‘most amazing relationship ever’ as we get to know each other. Over the longer term, how long will it take for us to realise that we have so much more to offer the person, and are they a good fit for us?

This thought could mean anything including interests in finance, children, arts, theatre for example, to people who are romantic and whereby others are not – which could seem to indicate that it would be doomed from the start but possibly some people are like this…..such as men!


I should change the way I think


The purpose of this post is to learn how to act in a relationship. It seems strange this coming from a man who’s forty-eight and should know better, but my worry is that I have lost the art of being in a relationship. What the right thing is to do as I never seem to understand how to get it right.


Is this the same for you or am I alone in this? On listening to the SO I need to find a way of understanding what she wants by default and not have to be told. For some reason, I can’t seem to be able to do this which makes me feel inadequate as a partner as this tends to lead to arguments regarding how self-absorbed I am or how selfish I have become.


So I have been told that the need to show that I care more is so important. But for me, it is difficult as I am not a romantic or touchy person which must drain the life out of her. Trying to help myself with a little self-help doesn’t seem to help. I have bought a book which addresses the issues faced in relationships, which is called Intimacy Anorexia by Douglas Weiss.


Douglas informs us in the book that the withholding of or showing certain aspects of intimacy (or lack of it) could result in the relationship breaking down and include the following:

  • love
  • praise
  • sex
  • spiritual connection
  • use of anger or silence for control


I can relate to the bullet points above and part of me thinks it is in my makeup to be a cold person. I really do not want to be him. My ‘excuse’ is that I have lost the fundamentals when it comes to my partner and it is a massive struggle for me to turn it all around.


I don’t know whether it is psychological or whether it is just who I have grown into which I truly hope this isn’t the case. Conversely, the purpose of my writing this blog is to explore opportunities to change and this book is an avenue worth pursuing. 


The book is easy to read but in all honesty, I read it when I was feeling so down and angry that not much of the information was taken in. But I will read it again.


So my friends, if you are demonstrating some or all of the bullet list above, or if you are feeling a little lost in your relationship (or your partner is) I suggest taking a look at the book and see if you can repair your relationship from where it is now, to where you want it to be.


Good luck!


Have your say: join my private Facebook group, The Silent Man, today.