The relationship of your dreams. You saw your missus across the bar all those years ago, and never thought it would have been as good as it has been after all these years. Both starting out in your respective careers and have flourished since then. The house you both wanted is yours and the endless amounts of money spent wooing each other are fresh in the memory. Everything is wonderful.
The sex is amazing and you love every single nook and cranny you can find in this work of art, this priceless treasure you have grown to love more than anything else in the world. The kids have come along and you have both grown older, your priorities have changed to accommodate them and at times you wish you never had, but love them unconditionally every other time.
Your bodies have changed and the promotions in work have heaped more pressure on you guys as you have to find money to pay for expensive childcare as Mum and Dad are busy enjoying retirement. Your hours at work are increasing due to the demands of the job. The holidays you looked forward to are diminishing quicker than your salary. You cannot afford the luxury what was once a necessity. Weekends away are well…….away!
You have no reason to suspect that she is not wanting you anymore. You have put it down to the strain of modern day living why you have lost intimacy and the closeness you shared not so long ago. The kids are taking up all of the time for both of you and you crave some ‘me time’ with the lads or the girls – a night away from the normality that is your existence.
You notice little things about each other, the aftershave, the new underwear, the throwaway comments about the new starter in work from which you both switch off from as you hear, but don’t take notice of. The conversations become more difficult and less often as you find yourselves having nothing to say except am ‘watching the soaps’ or the ‘football’ – you both seem to have your own interests now and not much time for each other.
You both sit in your own world and ask yourself “What if the grass was greener?”
The hypothetical situation above may be real in some sense to people but what happens when it becomes a reality? The hurt that you can bestow on someone is beyond contempt. It is the ultimate betrayal of trust, loyalty so how do you cope whether you’re the offender or the victim?
I think first and foremost is that it shouldn’t happen but we can be forgiven as humans (not men or women) for the decisions that ultimately cost us our happiness. Let’s face it, the majority of us are happy but we don’t even know it as we have come to expect that our lives are mundane unless you take notice of what people write on Facebook, and the perfection they have in their lives.
Forget about the actual event but what were you thinking of when you slept with her? or text her, or hugged her or phoned her? What effect did you think it wouldn’t have on you and your other half?
You can try and defend your action as much as possible but it will never take away what your partner thinks of you now – you were on a pedestal but now you’re a mere mortal who has fallen so far from grace that you’re hardly recognizable. And for what? Some excitement, a roll in the hay until the excitement ran out….or rather you were found out?
It could be suggested that the majority of infidelity comes from the male side of things although this is open to debate. We can as men, understand what it can do to a woman and how it will hit her hard, and no amount of begging forgiveness will ever bring back a sizeable amount of trust.
But what if the shoe was on the other foot and you were the victim of being cheated upon? Yes, we can all say we’d get shut of her and good riddance, but really?? You would be broken. If you put all of your efforts into the relationship and you thought that everything was going tickety-boo, you would be devastated.
The woman you had planned a romantic weekend away with, from the money you had saved up without her knowing, was sleeping with a colleague from her work. It all becomes clear, the new lingerie, the new perfume, hairstyle that cost a fortune and the lack of intimacy you so desperately want from her.
What is the impact of this? The reality is you cannot face to touch her anymore knowing that someone else has been doing the things you should have, the kids and family will have to know and the shame of all of this will just be too much for you to bare. The gossip, the distrust, lack of feelings will all prevail I’m sure, and then there is the prospect of her moving out into her friend’s house and then her own place so she can start again with someone new but will she ever be as happy as she was with you?
Where do you fit in?
This post is not to offer any solutions moreover a possible situation you can find yourself in if you decide that what you have got already in your life is not enough. Yes, you can state that it isn’t the same as when you first met but then who’s fault is it?
One of the most difficult things we as men find to do is talk…..something that we would rather spend time on doing with someone new, rather than spend the time talking to the one you really love and working the problems out together.
If you no longer have the feelings for the person then tell them, it is far kinder to tell them you’re not happy any more than stay and hurt them regardless. You could have the affair just as she could but you would only end up in the same scenario after a few years of being with them, wouldn’t you?
The same questions, the same feelings except you’re a little older. But if you are happy, maybe just think on how you can improve the situation with them, and accept that you are both older, wiser and still in love with each other – it’s just different than when you first met.
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