A New Start
I feel that everyone no matter how they are feeling can start again from any situation they see themselves in. However, the wall we all have in front of us seems ever higher than we can imagine and at times, impossible to break down even with the support of our loved ones.
Today, after a weekend of arguments, accusations, blame and silence, I have decided that it is me who has to change. I have lived under an umbrella of silence, low self-esteem, no confidence and a realisation or rather an epiphany, that throughout my adult life (eighteen onward) I seem to have tread water and not grown as a person in all this time. There are beliefs that I have held onto and have used as a possible excuse for the way I have behaved, however, I do not know where this blanket of feeling comes from. Is it due to a general feeling of unhappiness, a more concentrated effort of blaming my dad for being the deliberate alcoholic? The fact that the job I have is pressurised and the feeling of hopelessness that’s associated with it grates into the marrow of my bones? With this in mind, I do ask myself ‘what the fuck is wrong with me?’. I have a roof over my head, I have a job that despite everything, I love; my health is good, I have a family that loves me and still, I have the issues that I or this isn’t good enough. Why is this? and why do men, in general, feel aggrieved that there must be something better than what we have already? Do I have to subject Alison, Finley and Stevie to life where their role model is a desperate state of turmoil within his own mind – my description of how my mind is currently operating is this:
‘Imagine being enclosed in a massive perspex box (David Blane style) where the glass ceiling is the exit to the thoughts in my head that cannot escape. All of my thoughts are spinning around in a tornado type fashion and I am clutching at the ideas to send me in the direction of where they tell me. This coupled with people closest to me on the outside of the perspex, shouting directions at me to encourage me to see what they are wanting me to do’ The link below may give you an idea of what I mean (fast forward a little and you will see).’
A New Me?
This has been my life whereby I have wanted to run before walking, changed my mind so many times I have lost direction in my life, made crazy decisions and have basically been quite the English bastard! I feel as though there is a good man in my body that needs to come out and I am going to try and entice him to the surface.
How will this happen I hear you ask? It all starts with ‘I’. I can be a better person but it will take time. I guess that living in a body which has not been exposed to the healing powers of the mind for the majority of my life will be hard. I am expecting heartache, disappointment and anger but here is the thing. If I don’t do this now, I can expect to live the rest of my days being haunted by something that should be exercised now. But before this, maybe I should look at what I want from my life, and then work towards it. This could entail breaking my issues down into their compartmental areas, and achieving them one by one. This can be something like the following:
Area of concern
Food, meditation, mantras and exercise
To make my own decisions in a rational manner
This looks like a simple enough task doesn’t it? But what happens when everyday life gets in the way and how do you overcome it? From my perspective, I don’t know but I am going to give you an itinerary of what I am going to do to help myself. I am not going to put a time limit on it as everyone is different, and at varying stages of discontent.
Day One Routine (potentially):
7.00am – Get up
7.15 – 7.35am – Meditation (Using the Insight Timer app) – ‘Self-love ritual’ by Eleanor Hadley
8.00 – 8.30am – Breakfast (porridge with water)
9.00 – 13.00pm – Work on my blog – almonds as a snack mid-morning
13.00 – 14.00pm – Lunch (mackerel with salad)
14.00 – 16.00pm – Work on my blog – fruit as a snack
16.00 – 17.30pm – Exercise (running/walking)
17.30 – 19.00pm – Dinner
19.00 – 21.30pm – Relax and media blackout
22.00 – 23.00pm – Bed, read, meditation and lights out
And, not to forget……water, and over 2 litres of it for me.
Why don’t you try something similar, or copy mine?
Have your say: join my private Facebook group, The Silent Man, today.