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The Silent Man

The Silent Man

Thoughts, Resources and Solutions For Men Avoiding Intimate Lives

Life In My Shoes - My Diary

6th May – 12th May 2019

6th May – 12th May 2019

This week has been much of a non-event than before. The plans I had made to myself, had all but vanished. The way life gets in the way!

Monday

Lost

I must seem to give myself no chance when I try to plan my day. Looking at what I would like to do seems impossible at times – mainly due to me not getting up. I find it increasingly difficult to motivate myself in the morning. This is a new situation that I have found myself in, and I am not sure that I like it.

Why do I find it so hard when everyone else seems to manage completely?

 

Tuesday

Hope

So after yesterday, I have decided to write a book to document the difficulties faced by men of my age, and their quest for a happier existence. The book is scheduled for release next year (on my 50th) and the only thing I have to do is write it! I feel there is so much that can be included in it: the good, bad, indifferent, success and failure, but with the end goal of realising that to make changes, you have to be the change.

Today was not the start I had expected from myself – again! Up late and then to a clinical study before going into work. My job is one that I do like but it can have its drawbacks like everything else – learning to manage them is a must.

AJ is upset due to hormones (as well as being peri-menopausal) and is finding her life quite difficult at the moment. Of course, I am not helping with the way that I feel at times, but the best I can do is support her.

Tonight is the Champions League semi-final where Liverpool face an uphill struggle to overcome the 3-0 1st leg result. I am not excited about this at all and I wonder if it is because of the way I am feeling, or that I have lost interest in the game I love?

Angel numbers – 13:13

 

Wednesday

Mixed emotions

Happiness is a temporary state of mind – but so is sadness! Not getting to sleep until 01:30 am doesn’t help when you are trying to change your life for the better. But to my credit, I had just witnessed footballing history at Anfield last night so I am giving myself some time off.

Being moved in work to Southport which I suppose is better, as it will cost less in travel but just as you get settled in a service, you are moved. But, it is a preference for me to remain in the mental health area of the business so I am not complaining.

Planning a trip to Madrid now as we are in the Champions League Final – it is costing a small fortune but it may be something I will never witness again, so I need to embrace the situation and not worry so much about everything. Sometimes, anxiety wreaks havoc on your being!

 

Thursday

Good but not great

Today is about feeling good. But having said this, something is not going right, but I am not sure what it is. Is it possible to have such a wide range of feelings that you know not what to think? One thing is certain…I am lucky. Lucky to have the people around me that I do. I feel happy, weepy, sad, annoyed, angry – there are not that many hours in the day for the emotions I currently experience.

I was working in a different service today. I do not mind at all, but I feel something more is needed from my working life. Does it mean I need to change? Go it alone? Readjustment is a massive part of my life that needs to happen and include work, relationship, money, spirituality…..a complete revamp!

I know I have given myself some to time for this to happen –  a full twelve months to be exact, but I am so impatient!

The need to slow down and plan my life is more important to me now than before. Relax, breathe and focus on what you want.

Angel numbers: 22:22, 15:15, 14:14, 21:21

 

Friday

Feeling uneasy

Was on sleep with work last night which was very difficult as I was unable to sleep!

I feel sullen and sad today – I don’t know why. When I look at what I have, it is a mystery as to why I feel so low.

 

Saturday

Outside

Today feels better. Pottering around the house and being outside does make a difference. Just spending the time listening to what is around you calms me down. I underestimate the power of what being outside can bring. This is a lesson that I need to take more notice of – even if it means me going out alone on long walks and hikes, then it is something that I must do. I feel compelled to be outside, I always have done. I need to do this more.

Went for a coffee in Starbucks with SJB which I enjoyed the time – just me and him.

Sunday

Real

Took SJB home to his Mum today after he had spent the weekend with us. It pains me that he doesn’t live with me but I know that I am fortunate that I see him.

The feelings I have today are one of exhaustion and anxiety. Feeling really down with life that a suicidal thought crept into my mind on the way home. Is it pressures of my circumstances, a general feeling of low mood/depression or is it something else?

I wish I knew.


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